Thursday, August 23, 2018
Thursday, August 24, 2017
I think I've lived long enough.
It's time to exit Earth.
But too many responsibilities are tying me down.
As a mother and as a child.
At home and at work.
I just can't let it go. So why did I even think about exiting life?
Too many responsibilities... that's what makes me down. And that's what keeps me here. When will these responsibilities let me go?
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
My kids are just not how I want my kids to be. They prefer their main caretaker more to their mum.
The caretakers are not doing what I wish they do. We do not speak the same language.
I am a failure. People think I'm a lousy mother. I think I'm a lousy mum.
I'm as unsuccessful as a person could get. There is no meaning in living this lousy unsuccessful life at all.
I wish I'm dead. Then they can do whatever they want to do.
Then i don't have to work. The kids will still be loved by the people that spoil them.
It will be perfect.
A simple wish. But so hard to fulfill.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Today my 4yo stuck out her tongue at me when I told her to do something, and when I bellowed at her to not do it again, she gave me a face like, "I hate you bitch!"
I know it's only temporary, but I can't help but think... one day my girls will be talking back at me, and maybe even shout at me and make me cry. How do I know it'll happen? Well, let's just say... It's karma.
When I was down and vented on my mum, she went to the shower and my dad was the one that gave me a tight comforting squeeze on my shoulder and told me calmly (the thing is, my dad's always calm) what's right and what's not. I'm so grateful for having such a patient and loving dad. All men should be like him.
Everyday I'm struggling to set children on the right path, whether at home or in school. I struggle insanely with motherhood. And with work, everything's worse. Nothing's working out the way I want it to be. It's stressful. It's hard. Really hard. I want to spend time with my children, I want to teach them and guide them, and spur them on to do the right things and the good things. I want to do it everyday but I just don't have enough fuel to last me a day, especially when close to full tank was used up at work, and the only way to refuel is to really sleep through the night. I rarely do. And even if I have the energy, the time spent with them is too short.
I just hope that when one day I'm down and I decided to call it quits, whether for a day or permanently, my husband will be the one that will graciously take over the reins and calmly guide my girls, coach them, educate them, and comfort them when needed. A nurturing father figure is important, especially in little girls' lives. Because the girls need to see in him what we will expect them to see in their future husbands, if any.
And motherhood is just so not easy. Whoever think it's easy should just be in my place right now, typing on the phone while a 1yo is chewing on the most sensitive part like it's a teether.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
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