No longer bitter

I have been very bitter over the fact that I went through emergency csec for this delivery. I had expected a fast delivery like my first born, and seeing many second time mums in my mummy group having fast and smooth deliveries, I'm feeling even more bitter. Why? Why do I have to go through emergency csec? Why do I have to go through the pain? The trauma? And of course the extra costs!

I was still bitter and once again complained to a group of mummy friends. I was chatting with this mummy who went through csec too as I asked her how long it took for her wound to get better... and the conversation goes:

Me:

I miss natural..  i was looking forward to another round of natural without epi

V sad to hv to go thru csec
But it's me la
Friend:
U went thru immediately admit?
Me:
I see my mummy grp all the second time mums pop v fast n smooth
I feel so bitter why mine not like that
Cos every contractions her heartrate drop.. suspect cord around neck.. so bobian emergency csec
It's the last thing i ever expected..  but i guess no one will ever expect it de
Friend:
Oh.. Haha.. For my girl, I do want natural without epidural but when doc told me best is to go through csect due to her size.i told myself never mind. As long as she can be born safe
Me:
Cord around her 3 times
Friend:
So scary. But everything okay for her?
Me:
Too active i told the massage lady she also shocked say huh ur bb so active
My gynae everytime come see her say her so naughty
Yea ok le..
Now all fine
Friend:
Thanks goodness. That moment is too scary to imagine
Me:
Yea very scary
Friend:
I cannot imagine that kind of moment.. Is like between life and death
Me:
N i was in pain i was almost asking for epi
Then gynae came n say either epi or ga go csec immediately
Make decision now
I was in so much pain i didn't want to make the decision.. then gynae n hubby keep asking epi or ga
Then i initially asked for epi but epi will wait for the epi person to come... then they say ga person already at operating theatre..
Friend:
Good that u choose c sect.. I've a friend's friend who didn't want to go through c sect and insist on natural birth. In the end, the baby could not be save
Me:
So i say ok la ga ga just do it now
I just want to get it over n done w asap
Friend:

Very sad case
Me:

Aww :(

Yea so ok la at least now my girl is safe
Friend:

Ya.. That is crucial

And ur gynae make the right decision

GA faster. Epidural will take time for it to take effect
Me:

Yea
Friend:

Ur hubby must be scare to death too?
Me:

I guess so too

At the end of the conversation I was crying and I went to carry my sleeping baby from the cot, cuddled her and cry. At least my baby's alive, safe and well now. I shall not complain anymore.

Bitter

Compared to my first delivery, this was a disaster. And I see so many second time mummies having very fast and smooth delivery, I'm feeling really imbalanced. I kept asking myself if I should rush down upon bloody show or should have waited until the water bag broke. But I'll also try to justify that if I had waited, it might be too late to discover about the cord around baby, so it could be the right thing to do.

Whatever it is, I really was looking forward to a fast and smooth natural delivery and having an emergency csec was the last thing I ever expected. I've taken for granted that I'll never get to experience the painful csec wound. I was wrong. Now I've experienced both, not that I'm proud of it, but I can tell you very honestly from my comparison, I'd rather go through another round of episiotomy.

The delivery for my first born was fast and furious and we had all expected the second one to be too fast too furious... unfortunately it wasn't. Why oh why?! I miss the delivery for my first born but I will not try for another one to go through it again for the unpredictable may happen instead, speaking from experience now, and I'm definitely not ready for another terrifying round of emergency csec.

The delivery

[see part 1 for the day before]

This is a backdated entry, typed on 5 June. First, here's a summary of my story as told on Facebook after a friend asked if I've shared my birth story...

Actually i haven't shared on fb... too much drama lol... but well, here goes:

Bloody show on Friday night, admitted and gynae broke water bag ready to induce. Pushed to delivery ward, put on drip to induce then suddenly the ward is full of people (I'm told all the staff in delivery suite came in) panicking over the lost of heartbeat with my gynae. I was given oxygen and instructed to breathe deeply as everyone fussed and panicked around me. It was a very traumatic experience for me. After the temporary lost of heartbeat, her heartbeat resumed and gynae said I'm too sensitive to the induction drip, gimme minimal dose only my contractions too strong and suffocate baby so cannot induce... stayed the night with mild contractions and plenty of fluid pouring out nonstop. According to a nurse with some sense of humour, i have an olympic size swimming pool inside my water bag, then she changed her mind and said make it two olympic size pools. Morning gynae tried to induce again with half of the usual minimal dose... contractions come back and got really painful so I asked for gas... but it got really bad plus once again baby heartrate kept dropping when I have contraction. The nurses alerted gynae cos from their experience likely cord around neck. I was in so much pain i was giving in to epidural, then gynae came and advised to hv csec... i was in too much pain to think yet have to decide whether to go with natural, epi or GA go csec... was very stressful and i really didn't want to make any decision in that state but no choice... nurses said epi guy need time to come but one GA doc is in op theatre at the moment so can administer for me immediately, so i decided to immediately GA csec and get it over asap. Then really very fast they push me to op theatre, gynae changed and ready to op, GA doc telling me nurses will press on my throat as she administer and i KO... hubby said within 15 min from i made the decision and they pushed me to op theatre, they brought bb out to him... gynae said cord went around her 3 times. Then yea... i woke up in a lot of pain and they pushed me to the ward and the best thing is my baby is safe and well, the rest is history and will stay in memory lane. End of story. ^^

Here's more.

At 7:30am, my dilation was still 4 cm. I was missing my first born's fast and smooth delivery so bad and was whining to my mummy friends on our Whatsapp group. I was sore from lying motionlessly as I couldn't move otherwise the heartbeat reading on the CTG would go haywire. Plus I couldn't eat or drink and I was very thirsty inside the dry air conditioned delivery ward. Dr Tham arrived shortly after 7:30am to ask if I want to consider csec but I didn't want, so he ordered for me to receive half of the usual beginning dosage for inducing me again... as the night before was worrying. And baby's heart rate still dropped. I've decided to wait until the half day Saturday clinic closed and if there's no increase in dilation or contractions, maybe I'll consider other options. Fortunately baby's heart rate went back to normal but the staff dare not increase my dosage, thus no major contractions yet. They told me it's going to be slow like this because major contractions are needed for the cervix to open up. Somehow I kept comparing with my first delivery and that was very fast but I was also in a lot of pain and struggling with the gas throughout the contractions. All these while, baby has been very active inside, while I've been leaking fluid for like forever! Throughout the night I've been hearing many babies cried upon delivery and I kept wondering when will I hear mine?

I lost track of time but my contractions got more and more painful until I was struggling and gave in to gas... then it got even more painful, and I was wondering if I should give in to epidural. The nurses came and said that my baby's heart rate dropped with every contraction, and through their experiences, it was likely because of cord around the neck, so they're informing Dr Tham to come. When he came, I was in a lot of pain plus only 4 to 5 cm dilated, and he asked if I wanted epidural or just go for csec. I was certainly in too much pain to want to make the decision, but I have to... I signed the form for epidural first but within seconds I was struggling in pain and the nurses told me that the person administering epidural would take time to come while the doctor administering GA was already in the operating theatre... with baby's heart rate dropping and me in too much pain to wait anymore, I finally said okay, I'll go for GA and csec. So I signed another form and they quickly prepared me and wheeled my bed into the operating theatre and transferred me to the narrow bed inside. I still remembered I was told by the doctor that the nurses would press on my throat as she administer the GA, and then I knocked out. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain and very disoriented. It was later that my husband told me that baby was brought out within 15 minutes from the time I made the decision and went into the operating theatre. Dr Tham also told me later that the cord went around baby three times - around the neck, the body and the legs. My girl was born at about 11:30am.

And to end everything, I'd really like to say a big heartfelt THANK YOU to all the experienced nurses at TMC delivery suite and my super fantastic gynae Dr Benjamin Tham. =)

Coming soon

Around 6:45pm the bloody show was sighted when I went to toilet to poo at Tampines Mall after dinner. Went home for hubby and myself to shower and at around 7:45pm we left home for TMC.

At around 8:15pm hubby went to do admission while I changed into the hospital gown in the observation ward. Dr Tham came to check and I was 3 to 4 cm dilated. So around 8:35pm Dr Tham broke my waterbag and lots of warm liquid flowed out. Then hubby came back and I was wheeled to delivery ward in my bed. The smallest dose of the induction drip was given and the contractions were so intense that baby's heartbeat was lost. Everyone went into panic mode and at one time all the nurses were inside the delivery ward panicking along with Dr Tham... there were like 8 or 9 of them panicking and I was given oxygen and ordered to breathe in and out deeply while the dosage was removed. After a while the heartbeat was back to normal and everyone was so relieved. And as they all left with only one staff and hubby left with me, I started crying as I was very shaken with the overwhelming experience. The missy kept consoling me and told me not to cry as it will hinder my breathing... I was wearing the tubes that send oxygen directly to my nostrils. The drip goes to the needle *pain* in my left arm, my right arm has the blood pressure measurement thingy strapped to it, and the CTG thingy on my bump... I'm totally strapped down in bed.

Later Dr Tham came in and said he didn't expect my uterus to be so sensitive to the induction drip as I was given the mildest dosage and my uterus was contracting so badly that baby was suffocating inside. So he didn't dare to continue to induce me and I have to wait for contractions to get stronger naturally.

At 10pm water kept leaking nonstop drenching the bed, and I called for help... a missy came in to change the pads and mats and said my waterbag is of the size of one olympic size swimming pool... then as the water continued to flow out nonstop, she changed her mind n said make it two olympic size pools!

Once again Dr Tham came to say my uterus is too sensitive so we have to wait for my contractions to get stronger naturally... he said this baby's so troublesome >__< (ya I agree) and he bade farewell and will see me tomorrow. Sigh, it's gonna be a long night... good night.

[see part 2 for the delivery]

May 2015

12 May 2015

It's been a while. So I went back to work and got busy again. Of course before going back to work, I grabbed every opportunity to cook something for myself while at home.

A lot of things that I wanted to update here since the beginning of May but as I get busier, they all slipped my mind. Mother's day is over. And work wasn't smooth as I had to rush through the syllabus for my students before exam comes attacking. And they were slow. They had the cheek to tell me that they only behave in my class and not when other teachers went in and gotten a scolding from me for that... they need to pay attention and be good students whether they see me or another teacher for their next science lesson, as I cannot confirm if I were to be back the next day. I'm carrying a time bomb now. And they should realize that it's their own results at stake. Sigh, sec ones. Then of course there are other things like marking, keying in of CA1 results, and preparing for exams... many of my friends' schools have already embarked on their examinations but we will still be having lessons until tomorrow. Seriously I'm not entirely looking forward to tomorrow... the thought makes me wish baby will pop today.

Talking about popping, I'm 37 weeks and 1 day today. It's really anytime now. In fact, the night before last, I was feeling some kinda crampy feeling in my pelvic area, and I started timing to make sure the contractions that I felt were regular before waking hubby up to send me to TMC... in the end I waited and waited. And the contractions came and go but irregularly... maybe it's just my imagination? I couldn't sleep and I went to work yesterday (my super dreaded Monday that's awfully packed with lessons) super tired and restless.

Last night I didn't sleep well too... and I read that not sleeping well or restlessness is one of the symptoms of labour coming soon? Also, yesterday my feet began to swell, and I woke up today with swelling fingers. More signs huh? Or is it just me dying to pop thus seriously over-thinking things a bit?

This morning I felt pain in my lower body when I was walking down the stairs as I went down for morning assembly, and it was definitely a chore climbing back up to the staffroom on level 3 after morning assembly. I felt this cramp feeling walking up the stairs, and had to sit down and rest. This is not good... I hate this, either stop making me suffer from walking around as I really need to work and that includes walking around and using the stairs a lot, or just let baby pop so I can start on my maternity leave and no one at work can touch me. My school leader has told me that if I go on hospitalization leave, I'd bring the exam scripts home to mark to help lighten my colleagues' workload. I understand perfectly, but I'm not feeling totally delighted about being so understanding now. Hubby's pleading baby to pop only after his exams that end on 22 May, but I'm seriously looking forward to her popping as soon as possible... I'm tired, restless, feeling the cramps and my feet are swelling... I'm not enjoying any single bit of these.

19 May 2015

So, a lot of things happened from my last entry last week until now. After my entry, the very night we brought my girl to see the GP for her fever, ulcer and cough. It turned out that she's having asthmatic bronchitis and had to use the nebulizer. And she screamed and wailed throughout the session... it was so heartbreaking. She was given 2 days MC so I took 2 days childcare sick leave. It didn't get better the next day as she woke up breathless, so we went to the clinic again. She refused to even enter the clinic and then we went home. MIL told me to rest and went down again with hubby (who's on study leave) and hubby messaged me that I had to prepare a bag as we're going to KKH after another neb session. I was crying as I packed, my poor little girl! Later, hubby told me she screamed and wailed so badly that the doctor came out of her consultation room and went to the treatment room to stop her neb session... apparently she's screaming the building down. We went to KKH and it wasn't any better when the nurses tried to administer the inhaler with her. She screamed and struggled so badly and we had to really held her back and pin her down... I can't tell you enough how heartbroken I was to witness my girl having to go through all these ordeals. She must be so traumatized by the mask of the nebulizer and inhaler that she started crying so badly each time she saw it.

Luckily she didn't need to be admitted and we went home after spending the day in the observation ward at KKH, with lots and lots of meds, including 7 days worth of antibiotics and the inhaler set that we had to administer on her for 6 days. I wasn't looking forward to it as she'd definitely be struggling and crying and I'd be struggling too. It was definitely a heartbreaking ordeal forcing her to take her inhaler dosages in the first two days as her struggling got worse and threw both MIL and myself off balance and hubby had to hold her down and grip her head for the dosages to be administered. Fortunately, I browsed through the hashtag 'nebulizer' on Instagram and found many pics of babies and toddlers using nebulizer calmly, so I showed her and managed to convince her that she could do it calmly too! The 'inhaler' hashtag didn't result in much photos of young children though. She managed to calm herself down and later even attempted to assemble the set of mask, spacer chamber and inhaler all by herself. KKH gave us 7 days worth of MC but I only took 2 days of childcare sick laeve plus one more day of MC on Friday... have to be prudent with the childcare sick leave as so far I'm only entitled 5 days for 1 child.

Last Friday was my gynae appointment (I asked for MC to cover that day) and I went with another mummy in my current mummies group as we share the same gynae and her appointment was coincidentally 30 minutes behind me. It was raining and we shared a cab down, and lunched together at Delifrance at TMC. It's one of those super rare afternoon when the clinic was unusually quiet and empty. We were early and we quickly finished our appointments even before our respective appointment time! After my apoointment, I went to a place in Kovan area to send my Medela Freestyle for servicing and then bought dishes home from Vegetarian Express Cafe for dinner.

Saturday's my cousin's wedding. My dear aunt was so happy that I could go as she had wanted me to be there. Unfortunately my girl wasn't well yet, so I went alone and my hubby stayed at home with my girl. When leaving the banquet we shook hands as I congratulated her once again and she predicted that my baby will pop 3 days later... but 3 days later is today and I'm right now typing in bed at 9:10 pm. :P

Yesterday was Monday and I'm back at work. It's getting hectic in school once again as the students are now having exams and my markings started coming in yesterday. Everyone's really tied up with all the markings and my colleagues are all praying that my baby won't pop until the end of the week and I can finish all my markings. I totally can understand as it's really no joke coping with own markings while sharing another person's marking load. In fact I'm also helping another colleague with his marking as his mum's in hospital and in his own words "not optimistic" :( so he's on parent care leave today and I'm trying to mark as many scripts as possible. It is afterall my duty and I am not keen to become a burden to my colleagues... although most of my mummy friends are telling me that I should be taking a break now from my work already, and take ML in advance or HL (no thanks, because my school leader said I'll have to bring marking home anyway if I'm going on HL again) instead of marking hectically in school for hours on ends, days after days. And especially when the students are not even bothered to do well... the papers are not difficult at all but the amount of rubbish (from not listening in class and not revising for the exams) that they wrote is astounding. It's like, I'll have to detox to rid of the amount of rubbish that I have to read everyday, plus take tonic to replenish for all the "puke blood" moments while marking... not a nice thing for a teacher to say but well, you'll have to experience it yourself to believe it.

I haven't been sleeping very well. Either (1) I got worried that baby's not moving around as often as before, or (2) I felt some discomfort in my lower bump, pelvic or groin area and started wondering if I'd be going into labour soon, or (3) the aircon gets too cold or too warm (despite nothing was adjusted) for me in the night... I've been going to bed feeling cold but waking up in the middle of the night with my head and neck and pillow drenched in perspiration and then having difficulty going back to sleep after that... and because of these (1) worries, (2) discomforts and (3) weird "hot flashes", my sleep got very disturbed. *tired max*

Anyway, today's bump.

21 May 2015

38 weeks 3 days today, and my next gynae's appointment is tomorrow.

These (instagram posts) basically sum up how I feel these 2 days...

Yesterday's dinner: Every evening when I sit down at the dining table after work and shower, I wonder if this would be my last dinner before the littler one decides to finally make her grand appearance.

Yesterday night 1020pm: Because I've craving for prata and curry right now. I'm mad.

Yesterday's supper: The earlier pic was actually taken before 10pm and posted at 1020pm while waiting for the simmering curry to be ready... hubby say dunno I'm eating prata or eating kentang XD

Today's breakfast: Every school day when I sit down at the canteen to have breakfast with my colleagues, I wonder if this would be my last breakfast before the littler one decides to finally make her grand appearance.

Whatsapp with my hubby today: Hubby and I very super shocked because the mummies in my mummies chat group all very fast and furious!! And I actually have the earliest EDD in this group... My dear baby, you're planning to bunk in comfortably inside my warm, cosy and HUGE bump for how long more?! It's so difficult to focus on my marking now with all the excitement going on in the chat group and the littler one moving around so vigorously inside!! Just make sure you won't overdo all your somersaults and cartwheels until your head turns up again ok?! I've enough scare with you turning back up thrice since week 33!

Actually... this is right now: This huge bump is so distracting I can't concentrate on my marking anymore! (>_<) I've a colleague and a cousin comparing bumps with me... and they both had twins!! One last class to go, come on, you can do it! (and am still dreaming about going Takashimaya sales which starts today... eh please, don't even think about it anymore!!)

And my bump's really getting too heavy for me to manage... walking side to side like a waddling duck to minimise the pain and soreness in the pelvic and groin area, and leaning back so much just to counterbalance the heavy heavy bump. >___< Help! It's such a chore just to move around these days!!

22 May 2015

Just saw Dr Tham. I gained 1.2 kg in a week and he joked that he gained the same amount in 2 years. *LOL* Baby is 38 weeks 4 days and 3.4 kg!! Dr Tham says baby's growing very big very fast, and suggested to induce next week if she doesn't pop over the weekend.

He checked that I'm 3 cm dilated and even stretched to help induce labour... it was painful and super uncomfy but luckily it goes away very soon... Dr Tham also said my water bag has a lot a lot of water, which according to him, is "very irritating" *LOL* because the environment's too comfy baby refuses to come out. XD

Anytime now or getting induced on Sunday. So exciting now!!