Emo mummy

Yes that's me.

I was cuddling my little darling and singing to the songs on radio... And suddenly started wondering if baby would recall those days when she's in my bump and I was singing to her. Or maybe long forgotten. And I started crying... In no time, she will not remember today, when I latch her for hours to keep her satisfied and cuddle her in my arms to keep her comfy. Just like sometimes I forgot to appreciate my own mother and the things she does for me, and snapped at her at times when I get impatient. I cried even more... One really have to experience being a mum to appreciate what a mum does.

And it didn't help that radio was playing Jay's 《枫》...

让爱渗透了地面 　
我要的只是你在我身边

Even if I have bountiful of love for my precious darling now, one day she's going to stop needing me and eventually leave. The thought makes me super emo and I just can't stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks... as baby latches on once again and looks at her crying mummy with bright curious eyes. Baby, mummy loves you so much... mummy is overwhelmed.

Rant entry

Back to whine...

Last night FIL came back from his usual daily drinking session and asked if baby was asleep. I just came out of shower and told him no, baby's playing in the cot, and he immediately went to carry baby. But baby's playing quietly and falling asleep, so there's no need to carry her! In the end baby cried, and FIL rocked her so hard. :( I have told him off before and luckily MIL was on my side, but after drinking FIL obviously has forgotten. Rocking baby may cause damage to baby's soft little brain.

Then baby pooed and FIL kept repeating "poot poot" to her and called her "smelly" in mandarin. I don't like it when they call her "smelly". Yes, MIL also calls her that. She's not smelly and worse, sometimes they call her "rotten egg" in mandarin! I only associate "rotten egg" with horrible people such as wanted criminals! I hate it when people associate negative words to my baby. I feel that a baby should grow up in a positive environment and she did not do anything to deserve such names! So I have to undo the damage when I'm alone with her, telling her she's not "smelly" or "rotten egg"! If not they may grow up feeling that they have to fill in the 'expected roles' of being "smelly" and "rotten egg"! By then, the damage will be difficult to be undone!!

Regarding "poot poot", if you said it once... okay. Twice... okay. But do you have to keep repeating it? I want my baby's first words to be "mummy" and "daddy"... not "poot poot"!

Sigh... I can't complain much to anyone at home, that's why I'm here to rant and whine... only can open one eye and close one eye. Who ask me so stupid to love and marry someone who insists on living with the parents. Sigh sigh sigh! Only can 'psycho' baby everyday that she has to listen to only the good things, absorb only the positive vibes... most importantly, listen to mummy and love mummy!

Wanna whine

But I shall vent tomorrow... Too tired now. Time to snooze.

Home sweet home

Yesterday afternoon hubby came to fetch us and the 18 bags/boxes of stuff from my parents' place... Spent the whole morning packing and now it's the hassle of unpacking and finding space for the stuff!

The baby's cabinet is full, my wardrobe is full, the spare room is filled with bags and boxes of stuff, the baby's cabinet and my book shelves. Suddenly it's so cluttered everywhere! A tiny little baby needs a lot a lot of stuff, and a lot a lot of space to store those stuff.

Little precious seems to be adapting well. From my point of view, the sturdy cot here is way better and much more comfy that the playpen bassinet at my parents' place.

Today is the first time I didn't bathe baby myself. Mother-in-law bathed her for me. Now I'm latching her and the rest of the day will be spent unpacking and decluttering, if not latching.

Since it's 4 weeks after baby's arrival and my confinement is over, subsequent posts will be tagged "mummy diary" instead of "post-natal diary". :)

Under control

A baby is such a helpless little being. She may be hungry but can't find her own food, may feel dirty but can't bathe herself, may feel lonely but can't get out of the cot herself and go out to play. To some extend, the baby seems to be under the adults' control. If the adult doesn't feed her, she will never get satisfied and will just remain hungry. She's so helpless, all she can do about the situation is cry.

On the other hand...

I can't sleep when she's awake. I can't go out and play when she's demanding to be latched. I'm in so much pain when she latches, yet I can't just say, "Hey, mummy's in pain... so you settle this meal yourself k? Mummy needs some rest."

She wails in the middle of the night and I gotta wake up, no matter how tired I am. I feed her on demand and attend to her every single need, only satusfying my own needs and getting a short short rest when she sleeps. So, who's under whose control now?

Not easy

It's just not easy being a mum. First, I am totally deprived of sleep, I'm zombified. Sometimes I can hardly keep my eyes open, even when I'm walking to the toilet, and I'm always forcing myself to stay awake. I'm like a walking zombie... But a walking zombie with so much love. Next, my nipples hurt like hell from all the latching... Baby suckles so hard it feels like she's actually chewing on my nipples like they're gum. Even hurt to touch them when bathing.

Then I keep getting all emo. Just now I was having her latched and as usual telling her how much I love her. And then I was so overwhelmed by my emotions. I haven't exactly had a tough life but I've been through some serious shit myself and while in tears and sniffing away, I was telling baby that I want her to be happy and blessed... Thinking to myself that I won't want her to go through the same kinda shit I've been through. Thinking how painful it will be to see my daughter being hurt or depressed. And wondering how my mum felt seeing me like that.

Such an emo wreck I am right now. I thought I'm outta my emo self but yup, being a mother is just SO NOT EASY!!

One week left

I'm feeling better now... My supply has not resume to the previous max amount but is already improving from the "new low" two days ago... Hopefully it hit the max amount soon and even better... As baby grows, the milk supply should increase.

Confinement will end in a week's time. Will be returning home next Thursday, from my parents place where I'm having my confinement. Can't wait to be back with my hubby and have him help take care of baby too.

We will be having baby's full month celebration over two days next weekend... Too many people to invite! But I do worry about all the random hands touching my baby's chubby face. Sigh, call me the paranoid possessive mother. I really wish to keep baby inside the bedroom with me, but what's a baby full month celebration without the baby right?

This was taken yesterday morning at around 6:40am, by the dim light of my Ikea bedside lamp... I love my little precious. :)

Still crying

This is the second day I cry nonstop. I slept in tears and woke up in tears. I worry at this rate I'm going to go blind, but I can't stop the tears from rolling and I'm feeling so miserable because my milk supply has dropped tremendously and it seems like baby is always not having enough. :( I even keep apologizing to baby: sorry mummy doesn't have enough milk for you :'(

Cry and headache

I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry. And it is giving me a very bad headache, and that's not the only thing that hurts.

My whole life is upside down. The only thing that's right is my little baby. And she's so right she has become a little tyrant and turned my life upside down.

I latch on and on and on nonstop in the day. Hardly anytime to eat or drink or pee or poo. I'm tired and worried. I'm worried that she doesn't have enough milk to drink. And latching starts to hurt so bad. My nipples are more than just sore, I have to engage my contraction breathing techniques when latching her.

And then I still can't stop myself... I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry.

Ahem

Been singing to baby until I'm feeling a sore throat developing. But i sing so softly, especially in the middle of the night after latching... Trying so hard to make her sleep but she just continues to stare at me with her big round eyes. So i just sing on and on and on. Am I singing too much?! Or perhaps sleeping too little...

I need sleep

Another cranky night has passed.

Prepared a bottle from a packet of 110ml ebm at 1 plus am, hoping that she would drink as much as she wanted and sleep well through the night. And she drank around 60ml at 2am, then I put her back to sleep and pumped, but she refused to sleep and she cried again, and drank the balance 50ml at close to 3am after I pumped. Then at 3:40am she cried again to latch... Latching on till 4am... Finally slept.

At 5:40am she cried again and latched on and off till 7:10am... Then at 7:20am she cried again *omg* she finally latched to sleep at close to 10am. And I can have some water, take a toilet break and finally snooze.

Growth spurt perhaps

Last night was worse. She was latching nonstop too, but from 12am to 3am. It was extremely tiring for me. She cried so hard in between when she detached herself and yet had difficulty latching back, it hurts me to see her cry like that. In the end I was crying with her, pleading her to quickly finish and sleep so that I can finally get to rest too.

It could be a growth spurt, or maybe she's simply treating me as the human pacifier. I wish it's the former. I'm still pretty clueless... Being a first time new mom, there's just so much to learn each day!

There were visitors these two days. Two groups of my colleagues came yesterday and today respectively, plus my aunt and uncle came today and joined us for lunch.

Updating this while baby's latched on and suckling again... It's getting more and more sore to the extend of feeling painful as she suckles very forcefully. Sometimes I'm contemplating to switch to expressing but I love the bonding time when she latches on me. It's such a dilemma. And literally such a pain.

Nonstop latching

Baby has been demanding for milk and yet she's so difficult to latch as she's always struggling and pushing and aiming the wrong direction. She cried until hoarse *heartpain* and has been latched on and off for the past 2.5 hours... Each time she latches on, she falls into a light sleep, only to wake up in less than five minutes and cries for more milk, and I'll latch her again. Each time she latches on, I cry. It's been so tiring! And my nipples are so sore from her constant latching. She hasn't really slept since 8am and I seriously need a rest :(

Now she's finally falling asleep... I just rushed to the toilet and back... Almost peed in bed as I've been sitting in bed latching for hours. I really hope she can stay asleep longer so that I can take a nap too.

New time zone

Living in a new time zone.

It doesn't adhere to the usual 24 hours, 7 weeks standard. There's no distinction between days and nights, except that you need to switch on the light when it's dark outside.

It's BFT - baby feeding time!

When baby's awake, you are awake and kept busy. You feed baby, bathe baby, carry baby, sing to baby, entertain baby and change diapers. When all those are completed and baby's falling asleep, you may sneak a moment to update your Facebook or your blog, like what I'm doing right now!

And when baby's asleep, you pump, wash, sterilize, eat, drink, pee, poo, bathe, and occasionally take some photos of your baby's cute sleeping poses... If all of the above have been completed, you finally get to sleep, before baby wakes up and keeps you busy again!

Bathing

I have been bathing everyday since the day after I arrived at my folks' place for confinement. I did not bathe at all while in TMC, after my delivery... too tired and sore to be bathing.

I don't know how others were able to go through one month of confinement without bathing. I'm perspiring like crazy everyday, day and night. Since I'm already damp in my perspiration anyway, why can't I cleanse myself right? I literally perspire a waterfall down my face, front and my back especially after my hot meals for lunch and dinner. In fact with my sensitive skin condition, I'm already scratching myself madly, leaving scratch marks all over my chest, my tummy and my back. =(

My mum boils "daifonai" herbal bath water for me every morning to bathe myself in. On alternate days I will request for more herbal water, and use shampoo and body foam, and rinse with the herbal water. I can't imagine if I didn't use shampoo or body foam... My scalp and body would be itching like mad! Thank goodness I'm allowed to bathe... phew~

EDD

Today is my original EDD, and my little precious is 10-day-old today!

My hubby came with his parents and his sister to visit baby today. After his folks left, he stayed back to accompany me and helped me with baby while I'm forced to sleep. I'm still an emotional wreck and cried ever so often he's freaking out. He concluded that what I really need is rest and made me sleep. But baby still was a handful at the meanwhile and I had to change her diaper etc.

I'm the super possessive mother... oh no! No wonder I tire myself out. I want to do everything! From bathing my little precious since day 1 back at home, to changing clothes or diapers, feeding, etc. Now sometimes my mum bottle-feeds her my EBM, and just now hubby fed her too. But I still do the rest myself, including washing and sterilizing the bottles and pump parts. My mum does the laundry, cooking and dish washing.

Napped, and hubby went home to rush his graded group assignment. Do I have to wait a week before I can see him again? Sigh...

Pic of the day - my mum cooked black fungi and mock chicken in rice wine. My FIL loves this dish and so we gave him a bowl too, which made him very happy, according to hubby. :) Here, my mum served the dish together with boiled caixin for me. I have veggies and brown rice every meal, so I never had constipation. :)

T_T

I'm becoming this emotional wreck and crying myself to sleep. In fact I'm crying ever so often these days - while feeding, pumping, bathing, carrying baby and sleeping. (>_<) Now I'm missing my hubby like crazy and just scalded my fingers with the sterilizer because I'm too anxious to retrieve the bottle as baby was crying... And that's after I have breast-fed her, so getting bottle ready for the expressed milk. She always doesn't have enough and takes so long to feed. I'm tired. In fact at my post-natal appointment, my gynae says I look so tired, i look worse than when I was giving birth! He also said baby's been torturing me... Haha. Being a mummy is just so tough!! Can't wait for confinement to be over, so I can go home and let hubby share half the load, plus stop missing him so badly of course. Although I'll definitely miss my mum's cooking then.

Okay, I'm done crying... Blogging is therapeutic... Hohoho. Goodnight world! I shall snooze before baby cry for milk again... Desperately need sleep now.